"The Fly" (1986)

Directed By: David Cronenberg

Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, John Getz

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 95 Minutes

A few weeks ago I reviewed the Halloween remake, and since then I've been hearing a lot of talk about how it wasn't really a "remake", more like a "re-imagining". I hear excuses that it's Rob Zombie's film, and all this other bullshit about how it's his version of the film and not John Carpenter's. Well, in essence, yeah that is true, but it doesn't automatically make the film good by any stretch. Whether remake or re-imagining, Zombie had a lot to live up to; but in the end his version of the film didn't stack up to Carpenter's, plain and simple. Sorry Zombie fanboys, that's just how I feel.

Now, this isn't to say that all remakes are bad; in fact, there are a few remakes that have surpassed the original in every way possible, and "The Fly" is definitely one of those movies. It took the concept of the original and turned it from a simple case of "Man and insect swap heads" to a case of "Man and insect slowly, painfully and gruesomely merge together into a new and horrifying life-form".

"The Fly" was the first Cronenberg film I'd ever seen, and I became a fan of his work immediately after watching it. I'd caught the original a few years before, but I didn't remember much of it, save for the man-fly being eaten by the spider ("heeelp meee...heeelp meee!!!"). Cronenberg's version, however, will remain burned into my brain until I'm shoveled into my grave. It is one of the most wonderfully disturbing films I'd ever seen in my life; special effects merged with a painfully beautiful, yet formulaic story: Boy meets girl, boy dates girl, boy slowly mutates into fly-monster due to botched lab experiment, girl finds out she's pregnant with fly-boy's baby... er, okay so maybe it's not so formulaic.

Still, I think it was the love triangle between Stathis (Getz), Brundle (Goldblum) and Ronnie (Davis) that made this film work the way it did. Stathis is a great dynamic character; spurned by Ronnie before meeting Seth, he harasses her at every step, trying whatever he can to get back into her life. But when Seth starts changing into the hideous Brundlefly, he realizes he still cares for her and does whatever he can to protect her from Brundlefly.

However, Goldblum is not to be outdone as Seth Brundle, the brilliant yet tempermental scientist who puts himself through his own experiment in a fit of drunken jealousy after finding out that Ronnie and Stathis were an item. Of course, if it weren't for that one fit of depression, there wouldn't have been much of a movie. Still, as he mutates, he gets more and more deranged, becoming less obsessed with the teleportation experiment and more with finding a way to keep himself human.

At first, he feels energized; he can't believe how the teleportation makes him feel...but soon his behavior gets more and more erratic, and then the physical changes begin.

This is where the effects take center stage: Soon Seth's fingernails come off, then his teeth start falling out. Before long he starts changing more and more, his human form rotting away as the fly beneath begins to take shape, discarding his dessicated flesh like a useless, rotten shell. I mean, there aren't too many people who can forget seeing Seth's rotten testicles sitting in a jar on his medicine cabinet, or his ear falling off after merely scratching it... the mere thought of it makes me shudder. Oh, and let's not forget how Brundlefly "eats"...ick.

Not to say that Brundle is the only attraction in this freak-show; there's still the baboon that turns inside-out after his first experiment, and the never before seen "monkey-cat" experiment (an extra deleted scene on the DVD collector's edition). It's no surprise the effects team won the 1987 Oscar for all the gruesome effects in this film. Still, the effects don't take away from the overall story, in fact, it's one of those rare occasions where the effects help push the story along; and it's this very aspect that pushes Cronenberg's "Fly" a step above the original; it shows the audience how painful scientific progress truly is; and how even the slightest oversight can lead to the greatest of tragedies.

David Cronenberg's "The Fly" is a Grade-A Cut; definitely a must-buy for any science-fiction fan.

"Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins (1985)"

Directed By: Guy Hamilton

Starring: Fred Ward, Wilford Brimley, Joel Grey, Kate Mulgrew

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 121 Minutes

Ahhh... the Secret Agent. Every Pre-Pubescent boy dreams of being one at some time or another, but childhood hopes fade as we grow older. We focus less on fantastic careers and more on the ones we can readily achieve: Telemarketers. Insurance Salesmen. Tax Collectors. Sure, they're nowhere near as exciting as being a secret agent, but they require a lot less training (unless you collect taxes door to door, and bullet-dodging becomes an important job skill).

"Remo Williams" rekindled my old childhood hopes. It's an overly masculine Cinderella story about a reluctant cop (Ward) who's pushed into the ocean by a mysterious figure after a routine arrest, only to wake up in a hospital to realize that someone faked his death and erased all his records. He learns that a secret organization forcibly "recruited" him to be the ultimate enforcer, and since he has an impressive military record and no family, he became their top candidate. His mission: To root out and eliminate corruption, no matter how well-hidden.

The film is based off the "Destroyer" series of novels, though since I've never read any of them I'm not sure how faithful the movie is.

The acting is fairly decent, and Ward is extremely convincing as the title character. However, Joel Grey's character definitely steals the show; his introduction alone could be its own movie. It's simply hysterical watching him make a complete fool out of Williams over and over, sidestepping his bullets and throwing him through tables with a mere flick of his wrist.

There are two major storylines going on throughout the film that intersect at the very end; one involves Williams' training under Chun (Grey), and the other involves a corrupt weapons contractor who's trying to sell a bogus missile defense system to the military. It's fairly cut-and-dry, unlike your average Bond film, but it is entertaining nonetheless.

Remo Willams is a Grade-B Cut; a lot of great, witty moments; a little light on plot.

"They Live" (1988)

Directed By: John Carpenter

Starring: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, Keith David, Meg Foster, George "Buck" Flower

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 93 Minutes



"Brother, Life's a Bitch...and she's back in heat."

When I decided to start this blog, against a lot of advice and pressure, I knew I'd inevitably have to review a John Carpenter movie; it's almost like an unwritten law. I've been a big fan of Carpenter since my teenage years, when I first saw his remake of "The Thing", one of the only remakes in history to actually surpass the original. His films rarely fit into any normal Hollywood format, and a lot of his material is, for lack of a better term, fantabulous.

And before anyone says anything, yes, I know the image isn't the actual posterwork, but I had to use it. I think it's one of the best photoshops I've ever seen.

I first saw this film on "Monstervision" back when I was in high school, and having already been introduced to Carpenter a year earlier, I was more than willing to give it a shot. However, unlike my previous review for "Damnation Alley", I managed to stay awake for the whole extravaganza, and man was I ever glad I did.

The movie opens with John Nada (Piper) walking along a lonely railway. Nada's a man who's fallen on hard times, having been laid off from his job in Denver, trying his luck in Los Angeles. He ends up working on a construction site where he meets Frank (David). Frank is your average hard-working family man; he would rather stay out of trouble, but he's not about to ignore a man down on his luck. He shows Nada a place where he can sleep, a shantytown set up in the middle of a local park. It's here that Frank tells Nada his life story, how he was laid off from a Steel Mill in Detroit, coming to L.A. to try his luck. "The Golden Rule..." he tells Nada, "...he who has the gold, makes the rules."

For a time, things are normal: Nada works the construction site by day, then heads back to the park to catch some Z's. One night, however, he learns that things aren't what they seem. He catches sight of a pirate radio broadcast that tells of a secret plot to subjugate the human race through self-indulgence. It sounds pretty farfetched, as far as Nada's concerned. He then sees Gilbert, the man in charge of the commune, sliding in the back door of the church. He asks him about it the next day, but Gilbert just tells him that the church lets them use their soup kitchen. He then sees the pirate broadcast for himself, then runs back inside the church, compelling Nada to follow close behind.

As it turns out, the "soup kitchen" story is a sham; the church is the source of the pirate broadcast, and Gilbert debates with the other broadcasters about their next strategy. Nada tries to eavesdrop, but he's caught by a street preacher he saw earlier. He tells him, "The world may have blinded me, but the Lord has let me see!" With that, Nada leaves just as a helicopter passes by overhead. Gilbert and one of his men look on, wearing mysterious-looking sunglasses on their worried faces.

Nada tells Frank what he sees, and Frank tells him to leave it alone. Later that night, a cadre of SWAT Team members storm the curch and the neighboring shantytown, arresting anyone they can find. Frank and Nada split up in the skirmish, and the police bulldoze over the town. Nada returns the next day to find everything completely gone, save for one cardboard box full of those mysterious sunglasses. He puts them on, but nothing prepares him for what he sees...

Every single billboard, magazine cover or store sign he passes are replaced with totalitarian phrases such as "Obey", "No Independent Thought" and "Marry and Reproduce". If that wasn't bad enough, some of the people he sees aren't even human. They look like...umm...well just look at the image at the top of the page. It turns out that these skull-faced monsters have their hooks into everything, using the human population as second-class slaves while they reap the rewards. By this point, Nada's scared out of his mind.

Of course, if the above is any indication, this is where the movie really starts to pick up. He accdientally runs into one of the skullfaces in a supermarket, proclaiming "Your face looks like it fell in the cheese-dip back in 1957!" The first great one-liner of the film, though many more memorable ones follow. The skullfaces don't take kindly to this, and start talking into their fancy Rolex watches, whispering things like "He can see us!"

Nada beats a hasty retreat, only to get accosted by two skullface cops, who he promptly kills. He takes a shotgun and a pistol off their corpses, heading into a nearby bank where he proclaims "I am here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."

After a very memorable shootout, Nada spots one of the skullfaces talking into his watch, revealing his location. Before he can shoot him, the skullface disappears, and Nada barely gets away by taking a woman (Foster) hostage. Turns out, she's Holly Thompson, a producer for Cable 54...which just happens to be the source of the skullfaces' brainwashing broadcast. Thompson rats him out to the cops, but he manages to get away again.

He eventually runs into Frank, who wants nothing to do with him after hearing about his little slaughter at the bank. Nada explains to him what he saw, but Frank doesn't believe a word of it. Nada pleads with him to put on the glasses, but Frank refuses, leading into one of the longest on-screen brawls in film history. If I remember correctly, it clocks in at over five minutes. Doesn't seem like much, but I gotta tell you that scene is fucking epic.

Nada eventually does get Frank to put the glasses on after a whole lot of persuasion, and the two team up to find the people who made the sunglasses in the first place. They end up running into Gilbert again, who tells them the whole sad story. They don't know where the skullfaces came from, or how long they've been around, but Gilbert and his group have been combating them for as long as they can remember. He tells Frank and Nada of his plan to storm Cable 54 and shut down the signal, and Thompson shows up again to tell them how to break in. Frank and Nada don't trust her, and police storm the hideout shortly after she drops in.

Both Frank and Nada escape, using a teleporter dropped during the skirmish to teleport right into the heart of the alien menace, the Cable 54 building...

Words cannot describe how great this movie is, but dammit I'm going to try my hardest. First off, the effects are great. Roddy Piper definitely steals the show as Nada, but the rest of the cast is not to be outdone; especially Meg Foster with her icy-blue eyes, which add a layer of distrust to her character throughout the whole film. All the action was well-choreographed as well, save for the five-minute fight between David and Piper. According to one interview, Piper said that David wrecked him pretty good during the three days they rehearsed the scene.

The plot was definitely excellent, having been adapted from a short story called "Eight o'clock in the Morning". There are just so many great scenes and one-liners in this film, the most famous of course being the "bubblegum" line mentioned earlier.

The effects were pretty much standard, but the alternating shots with Nada putting on and taking off the glasses were seamless. The rest of the effects were ok, from the flying saucer-bots to the satellite-dish effects near the end.

All in all, this movie is a must-own, I guarantee that you'll be reciting those one-liners over and over in your sleep after one viewing.

I give "They Live" a "Grade-A" cut, a worthy addition to any sci-fi fan's collection.

"Damnation Alley" (1977)

Directed By: Jack Smight

Starring: Jan-Michel Vincent, George Peppard, Paul Winfield

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 91 Minutes

Post-Apocalyptic settings are the most common staples of science fiction. Some giant plague or nuclear catastrophe wipes out most of humanity, forming a clean slate for any two-bit writer to come along and plaster his or her own twisted image of the world onto a script. It sounds like a cop-out, and perhaps it is, but that doesn't mean that Post-Apocalyptic films aren't fun. In fact, if done right, they can be downright awesome.

I first saw this film late at night back when TNT had the immortal "Monstervision" showcase on Saturdays. I only caught the first half-hour, then promptly passed out. Needless to say I liked what I saw, but I never had any luck finding this film at any video store, much less catching a re-air on television. It wasn't until 2005 that I found a bootleg copy of the film at the annual "Screamfest" convention in Coral Springs, and when I saw the cheesy DVD cover staring me in the face, I knew I had to get it. Thirty dollars later, I went home and popped it into my player, realizing only then that I didn't know if it could play a bootleg disc. Thankfully, there were no problems, but the overall viewing experience wasn't exactly what I expected.


The movie begins in an underground missile silo somewhere in California, where Maj. Eugene Denton (Peppard) and his buddy Tanner (Vincent) are stationed as launch coordinators, or button-pushers, I guess...er, well they're the guys who launch the missiles. Apparently, there's some tension between the two, as Maj. Denton says that he and Tanner aren't fit to work together. Not long after that, the Soviets decide to blow their [nuclear pay]load all over the face of America, wiping out most of the major cities in one fell swoop. Tanner and Denton try to launch a counterattack, but it only succeeds in wiping out 40 percent of the missiles; proving once again that no matter how much we Americans put toward our taxes, we're still pretty much fucked.

Well, anybody could guess that the world slowly went to hell after that; freak storms tearing up the countryside, insects mutating to gigantic proportions, not to mention the world tilting on its axis. That last part is complete bullshit, by the way; anyone who studied science knows that it would take a massive external impact to knock the earth off it's axis. A few nukes ain't gonna do it.

Anyways, geek moment aside, the remaining survivors are left pantomiming their lives, going through the motions despite any information from the outside world....that is, until some idiot leaves a cigarette lit in the boiler room one day. So, their home destroyed, Denton, Tanner and their artist buddy Keegan (Winfield) decide to do the only logical thing: ROAD TRIP!

Apparently, the silo housed two huge silver SUV's called "Landmasters", all-terrain vehicles that could plow through anything. Denton has the brilliant idea of taking them cross-country to Albany, where he thinks there might be survivors. Never mind the fact that the entire Earth would be horribly irradiated and shrouded in nuclear winter; The funny thing is that the filmmakers only had enough money to build one of the "Landmaster" vehicles, so even though it's implied that there are two, only one is shown on screen at a time.

Soon a freak storm hits the pair of vehicles, destroying one in the process and saving the filmmakers from resorting to too many visual cheats. The three of them pack into one Landmaster, encountering hazard after hazard along the way, trying to survive in a world gone mad and hoping to find refuge in Albany.

From the thirty minutes I saw on "Monstervision", I seriously thought I was in for a treat. However, as I said earlier, Post-Apocalyptic movies are only fun if they're done right. Unfortunately, this is not the case with "Alley". Don't get me wrong, it's a nice bit of cheese at times, but overall it just ends up leaving a bad aftertaste. The effects are so obviously low-budget even a kindergartener can point out all the faults; the giant insects and scorpions were blatantly superimposed, and the cheesy sky effects were hardly believable, even for such a low-budget production. Never mind the fact that there's only one "Landmaster", or the fact that this was a 20th Century Fox production. I guess they were trying to squeeze out one last good disaster flick before the trend died out, and it does show quite a bit.

The acting, on the other hand, is extremely good; with Vincent and Winfield hamming it up while Peppard tries his best to play it straight as the commander. They do meet other survivors along the way, but they're both pretty one-dimensional and extremely forgettable. Then again, there isn't really much room for past in a world where one can only push forward. So, in a weird way, the characters do work well.

The major gripe I had with this film was the ending. The crew do make it to Albany, and from the looks of things, everyone seems to be doing well. I just found it hilarious that the entire world is scarred with radiation and yet Albany manages to remain completely unscathed. Definitely a downer after watching an RV crawl through the desert for 91 minutes.

"Damnation Alley" gets a "Grade-D" cut: Good for the first 30 minutes, but after that, don't bother.

"Halloween" (2007)

Starring: Malcolm MacDowell, Sheri Moon-Zombie, Brad Dourif, Danielle Harris, and Sheri-Moon Zombie. Oh, and Sheri Moon Zombie (in case I forgot to mention her. I did mention her, right? Sheri Moon-Zombie? Ok. Just making sure.)

MPAA Rating: R

Runtime: 109 Minutes

So, Rob Zombie decided to take on one of the originators of the "slasher" genre, putting his own unique spin on the iconic Michael Myers and the mythos that surrounds him; hoping to shed some light on his tragic past and give the viewer new insight on his diabolical nature.

I really had no desire to watch this film, having a general distaste for remakes in general (though I do have a few exceptions). I just happened to be bored this Friday and decided to see the film with a few of my friends. In hindsight, I'm half-glad I did; mostly because only half of the film was decent. I'm not saying one entire half, what I mean is that some bits and pieces of the film were watchable, while other bits and pieces weren't. The result is an inconsistent remake that focuses too much on a killer who's supposed to have no character depth in the first place.

The core of Michael's persona is that he is, for lack of a better term, a monster. He has no morals or ethics, and above all he shows no emotion. It is this aspect that makes Myers so terrifying, and it is the main reason why I didn't really care for most of the movie. The whole "human" side of Myers' character is rather unnecessary. His backstory is rather cliche at best: A troubled child from a dysfunctional family, an abusive stepfather, constantly ridiculed by his peers at school for his mother's reputation as a stripper. He constantly kills small animals, pretending that they're the people he hates most, until his principal uncovers some disturbing pictures of a cat that he recently slaughtered, showing them to his mother.

Myers rage is shown in full-force when he tracks down the bully who tortured him in an earlier scene, beating the boy to death with a large tree-branch. After that scene, Michael switches off his homicidal tendencies and returns to being a sweet 10-year-old boy...that is, until his sister refuses to take him trick-or-treating. Then we're treated to Michael slaughtering his family just like in the original.

That's right. He kills everyone in the house just because his sister didn't take him out Trick-Or-Treating. He doesn't spare a single person either, save for his baby sister (OOH! Foreshadowing!) In the original he spared the boyfriend, but in the remake he gets a baseball bat straight to the brainpan...many, many times.

So, we're treated to Sheri-Moon Zombie (I forgot to mention she's in the movie! Silly me!) retuning home from a rousing night of stripping bawling her eyes out as the cops bring out the bodies, with little Michael sitting in the cop car with a rather dejected look on his face. Not long after that, there's a small collection of scenes involving Michael's time in the institute, leading up to his eventual bloody escape.

The last half of the movie is a sped-up version of the original's events, with Michael wasting no time in killing off everyone in his path in search of his missing sister, Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton), who is the biggest thing I hated about this movie. In the original, Laurie was a shy, reserved kind of girl. She didn't start freaking out the minute her friends started talking about sex or offered her some pot, but she was still the most responsible out of all her friends. In the remake, she's reduced to a ditzy, clueless teenager with the worst survival instincts I've ever seen, but I'll get on that in a bit.

Halloween night quickly descends upon Haddonfield, and both of Laurie's friends are quickly offed, and when I mean quick, I mean that Myers suddenly gained the power to teleport. Myers shows up almost seconds after Laurie leaves for her babysitting duties, instantly gutting the father before quickly making work of Dee Wallace-Stone.

Speaking of which, there are a lot of cameos by some heavies in the horror world: I mean, you have Ken Foree as an ill-fated trucker, Brad Dourif as Sheriff Leigh Brackett, Hell, even Mickey Dolenz from the Monkees had a small role in the film as the gun store clerk.

The film seemingly ends with the all-too-familiar exchange between Laurie and Dr. Loomis about Myers being the Boogeyman, but with a twist: Michael yanks Laurie out of the car, back toward the house. Loomis bargains with Myers again, only to end up getting his head crushed. While that exchange is going on, Laurie does the smart thing and runs back into the Myers house, ending up back in the very room she escaped from. Brilliant.

So, fifteen more minutes of Michael chasing Laurie through every corner of the house before ultimately tackling her off the balcony and onto the front lawn where he's promptly shot in the face. At that point I didn't even care that Laurie survived; I was just glad the movie was over. The could've just ended it with Laurie getting dragged out the passenger window and I would've been happy. Those extra fifteen minutes were totally drawn out.

Laughter rang out through every corner of the theater during the whole picture. There wasn't any single moment in that film that elicited any sort of shock from the audience. Most moviegoers could quickly point out the scary points in advance. The killings were definitely more elaborate and gory than the original; with Michael going for all-out bludgeonings and disembowelings rather than simple stabs and slices. I didn't care for the acting at all, and if the constant mention of her name was any indication, Rob Zombie needs to stop putting Sheri-Moon in all his movies. She's not a good actress; and she hasn't shown me much to prove otherwise. The rest of the cast either wasn't on screen enough to fully develop or their roles were so uninspired that they just coasted along with little effort. Maybe the film just should've been called "Michael Myers": It could've just been a prequel ending with his escape from Smith's Grove, then leading into a remake.

When stacked up against the original, Rob Zombie's remake of "Halloween" seems similar to those Star Wars "Special Edition" re-releases: Just a whole bunch of extra stuff tacked on for no reason, though I will say this; the way he showed the connection between Michael and Laurie was much clearer here, as opposed to Halloween II where it seemed more like an afterthought by one of the writers.

My advice: Don't shell out nine bucks to see this flick, wait 'til it's available for rent.

Rob Zombie's Halloween is a "Grade-C" Cut: Entertaining in some points, but not in others.

Class of 1999 (1990)

Directed by: Mark L. Lester

Starring: Bradley Gregg, Traci Lin, Malcolm McDowell, Stacy Keach, Pam Grier
and Patrick Kilpatrick

MPAA Rating: R

Running Time: 99 Minutes





"...now be careful! These things are like a bad, fucked-up George Jetson nightmare!"

If there's one pet peeve I have about Science Fiction, it's when filmmakers feel compelled to put a specific year in the plot. Even worse is when they put it in the title, which is why I was more than a little put off when I first heard about this film. "Class of 1999?" I thought, "Eh, it might've been cooler if wasn't already 2007..." Still, as I looked at the impressive cast list, I decided to give it an honest shot. That, and I got the VHS from a friend of mine for free, so what the hell...

After watching it, I was damn glad I picked this film up. It's a glorious little piece of cheese that's enjoyable no matter how many times its watched. But enough of my ranting, on with the plot...

So apparently, things are pretty bad in the far-off year of 1999. Youth gang violence has reached an all-time high, forcing the areas around these schools to become "Free-Fire Zones", areas of civilization where police refuse to enter. Forget about the rampant drug trafficking, violence, rape and death running through these areas, how are the poor students going to receive a proper education with hooligans and scalawags running about?

Well, the Department of Educational Defense has the answer. They form a partnership with Megatech Inc., which is run by Dr. Robert Forrest (Keach), who sports the most impressive-looking mullet I've ever seen in my life. He introduces the "Pride" of Megatech, three normal-looking teachers, that is until one decides to pull his face off, revealing wires and circuitry underneath his upper lip.

At the same time on the other end of the city, a young punk gets released from prison, but this isn't some ordinary punk. No, it's Cody Culp (Gregg), leader of the "Blackhearts", one of the two biggest gangs in Seattle. His release isn't a lucky coincidence, either; Principal Miles Langford (McDowell) explains to the D.E.D. that the most violent students at his school are being released back into the student population to see how they measure up against the three Teach-inators.

Cody arrives at school after a short run-in with the other biggest gang in Seattle: The "Razerheadz". Meanwhile, Mr. Bryles (Kilpatrick), Ms. Connors (Grier) and Mr. Harden all show up on campus, heading toward their respective classes. Unfortunately for Cody, the first class is Chemistry with Ms. Connors, who makes short work of two Razerheadz who are trying to extort money out of another student. Cody doesn't think much of Ms. Connors at first, being more interested in the cute girl sitting next to her (Lin), that is, until she reveals that she's Christy Langford, the principal's daughter.

It isn't after History class with Mr. Harden that Cody realizes something's up, after Harden breaks up a fight with some good ol' corporal punishment. It isn't just a light spanking, either; he really goes to town on the two goons. Even the researchers observing the teachers are a little bit worried, but Dr. Forrest convinces them that everything's going fine.

The next day, Cody saves Christy from a rather randy Razerhead, but Mr. Bryles intervenes and drags him into Principal Langford's office. He lets Cody off with a warning, leaving him in the capable arms of Mr. Bryles for Phys Ed. Now, out of all the teachers, Bryles definitely stole the show for me. He really did a wonderful job shifting between mild-mannered gym teacher and psychotic killing machine. After the other students leave, Bryles makes Cody stay behind for a little one-on-one wrestling(No, not THAT kind, you sick bastard). Cody nearly gets his face turned to pulp before one of his friends draws a gun on Bryles. Bryles responds how any normal, upstanding educator would: he breaks his scrawny neck.

Soon, more deaths follow, and even Principal Langford is starting to have doubts about the project. It isn't until later in the film that the truth is revealed; the three teacher cyborgs were originally combat prototypes, re-fitted to handle educational programming.

As I said before, this film simply a wonderful piece of cheese; the effects are on par with most early-'90s made-for-tv films, though it doesn't try to make the film too futuristic; a wise choice considering 1999 was only nine years away at the time. There's no flying cars or laser guns, just a lot of kids running around in some very flamboyant outfits. Seriously, they all look like a band of crazy, coked-up New Kids on the Block, but I think that just adds to the film's flavor. I had a love-hate relationship with the cyborg effects, though; the weapon attachments were cleverly done, but overall they looked like saturday-morning caricatures of the Terminator.

The acting is sub-par at best, though Patrick Kilpatrick and Stacy Keach definitely put 100 percent into their respective roles. The rest of the cast didn't really jump out at me all that much, but Gregg did have a few good one-liners, like when he just barely makes it out of the chemistry classroom before it blows up, turns to Christy and says "Guess I blew that course!" Classic.

This film is out of print in the U.S., though it enjoyed a DVD release in the U.K. For those of you who are stuck stateside, your best bet is digging around in your local Hollywood Video bargain bin and hoping you get lucky. Either that, or simply order it on Amazon or something. Trust me, you won't be disappointed.

"Class of 1999 ranks in as a "Grade-A" Cut. Rare, but extremely good.


NOTE: This film is a sequel of sorts to Lester's earlier film, "Class of 1984", though I haven't had a chance to look that one over yet. Rest assured I'll be comparing the two when I do.

"Night of the Lepus" (1972)

Starring: Rory Calhoun, Janet Leigh, DeForest Kelley
MPAA Rating: PG
Runtime: 88 Minutes

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Attention! There's a herd of killer rabbits heading this way and we desperately need your help!"

Most people credit "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" for being the first film to prove that rabbits were a vicious, bloodthirsty menace. However, "Night of the Lepus" came out three years prior; and would be the first, last, and probably the only movie of its kind.

The film opens with a TV anchorman explaining to the audience about a "Rabbit Population Explosion". Apparently the fuzzy little buggers are causing problems all over the globe; from Australia to Arizona, they've been eating up crops, ruining the ecosystem, and making many a farmer's life a living hell. One such farmer, Cole Hillman (Rory Calhoun), wants to rid himself of those long-eared bastards once and for all, but he can't risk contaminating his own land with poison. He ends up taking a ride to see Elgin Clark (Kelley) at the local University, who in turn tells him to enlist the help of a professor named Roy Bennett (Stuart Whitman). It seems that Professor Bennett has a knack for eco-friendly pest control, but it turns out that rabbits, as his wife (played by Leigh) so eloquently puts it, "aren't his bag".

Nevertheless, Clark insists that Roy take a ride to Hillman's ranch as quickly as possible. He brings his wife and daughter, and the three witness a few of Hillman's hands slaughtering the rabbits. The daughter protests, repeatedly whining "But I like rabbits, mommy!" This was the first major gripe I had with this film: That little blond girl just really grated on my nerves. Near the end of the film I was practically begging the other actors to throw her to the damn rabbits.

The Bennetts manage to round up a few of the adult rabbits, injecting one with a new type of experimental hormone designed to interrupt the rabbits' breeding cycle. Of course, the annoying little daughter wants to keep the inoculated rabbit as a pet, but it runs away after Hillman's son Jackie wrestles it from her grasp. The rabbit ends up joining its brethren underground, doing the kind of math that rabbits do best. Turns out, the hormone Prof. Bennett developed had the exact opposite effect; instead of hindering the rabbit population growth, it doubled it, as well as doubled their size. So, instead of a a bunch of small rabbits gnawing on crops, now there's an army of gigantic mutant rabbits gnawing on human corpses.

"Lepus" is pure 70's cheese; Although it was one of the first "Giant Rodent" movies of the decade, it was followed by much better fare such as "Food of the Gods" (1976). Still, it had its entertaining moments; the best of which was the very first "Rabbit Stampede" where hundreds of live rabbits trampled over miniature sets. The visual cheats were decent for their time; though it was quite obvious that some of the rabbits were super-imposed over the background in a few scenes. The one thing that put me off were the "growling" effects they used for the rabbits. While it is true that rabbits can scream (usually only when they're in pain), the growls only added to the overall cheesiness of the piece, making it more laughable than terrifying. The Gore effects weren't all that stellar, the effects crew merely smattered people in red-colored corn syrup and tore their shirts a little, but since this was a PG film I'm willing to cut it some slack here.

The acting wasn't all that much better; anyone watching this film will get the strange feeling like they've been zapped back into an old 50's monster flick like "Them!" or "The Deadly Mantis", though the little girl screaming "THEM!" at the top of her lungs was ten times more shocking then the whiny little blond girl. Whitman tries too hard to be the "Dashing, Heroic Researcher" stock character, while Janet Leigh plays her role with minimal enthusiasm. Then again, "Lepus" is a hard movie to take seriously, and although it's better than a lot of low-budget films, it just feels like its in the wrong decade; though I'm willing to bet it would've given "The Blob" a run for its money.

I'd have to rate this hunk of movie head-cheese as a "Grade-D" cut; perfect for a good laugh but not much else.